||[May. 1st, 2007|10:45 pm]
Depersonalization & Derealization
I'm new. I'm Sixteen and I've pretty much suffered from hypochondria, paranoia, and anxiety since as young as I can remember. I think Hypochondria has definitely effected me the longest and hardest. It kind of wraps within the anxiety though. Everything is undiagnosed because my parents don't believe in psychiatrists/psychologists... but I know what I have. It's irritating because I know it's all in my head but in the back of my mind I just can't get those "what if it isn't" thoughts out of my head. I've been a sickly child all my life and when I got pneumonia when I was little that's when all the shit began to hit me. I was so sick from it and had a very, very bad case of it. Ever since then I've always been thinking too hard about medical stuff. I'm paranoid that I'm dying every single day. (I'm sorry for these ramblings but I'm kind of suffering from an anxiety attack right now and I kind of want to get things off of my chest) Anyway, ever since I had pneumonia I felt that I didn't breathe the same any more and I would sit there and put my hand over my chest consistently and sit there and count the beats of my heart..or I'd watch my dad breathe as he slept on the couch and would wonder why I couldn't keep up. So I was convinced I had Asthma. Well, when I was in sixth grade I had to get my appendix out and when I went for the follow up visit, they checked me for asthma and I came out negative. So I kind of forgot about it for awhile. Then I started getting bad stomach aches EVERY morning before school.. so I started stressing over those because I felt uneasy using public bathrooms. Then a lot of family drama happened and my best friend at the time, my aunt died and I became kind of a reclusive mess.I never wanted to go out. I wanted to sit inside all day. I hated talking to people. I stressed more and more over people. I didn't like them looking at me, talking to me, or being near me. I felt (still do) like they were constantly judging me and saying I was fat. I think weight has always been a big deal to me, like everyone else I'm sure, it's always sucked out the life of me. I still do always hide my body and I don't like people looking at me and I have very finicky eating habits. Anyway, I became the most insecure I've ever been and I would just avoid school and whatnot. A few years go by and I'm in my freshman year of high school and I started feeling different. Not that happy, but a lot less sad. I started partying and doing the normal high school things and I loved my friends and hung out with them more and more and kind of less cared about my weight and sickness and shit.. And that went on for about a year, then my sophmore year started and I was still partying and then in october I went to a stupid school dance and afterwards I went back to my friends apartment and we had like, a giant sleepover. We got bored and decided to smoke some weed that my friends little sister got for free from some shady motherfucker in camden. I smoked a lot. More then what I usually would do when I smoked weed, and I had smoked weed quite a few times before. Anyway, I smoked so much because I guess since I was sitting down I didn't feel anything (that probably isn't right) so I just smoked til it was all gone, and I had about four or five joints worth. Well I stood up and all of it rushed to me and I started feeling the best high I had ever expierienced. Then I started really seeing things. I had never hallucinated on weed, and I started hallucinating like crazy. But I was the only one out of the bunch who was. I remember I looked down the stairs (we were smoking upstairs) and I swear (even til this day) that I saw my friend smile at me and walk down the stairs. So I went down stairs and called for her because I didn't see her and the apartment was fairly small so I was sure I'd see her. Anyway, I called for her and she called me and was like "Karen, what are you doing?" I looked up the stairs and there she was looking down at me and she swore that she hadn't gone down the stairs at all. So I started laughing and shit. A little bit goes by and all the sudden I start feeling very strange. I couldn't breathe. I would take deep inhales and nothing would come out. I started to panic. I was crying and I couldn't stop. My friends tried to calm me down and they made me lay down next to them and watched me til I finally fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and I felt COMPLETELY drained. I felt like I was having a major hangover. It was the worst I had ever felt. I tried to play it off from them and I couldn't wait til I could go home. So my sister and her friend came to get me and I was just really drained. So as soon as I went home I went to bed. Well, I felt completely weird for a whole week and I couldn't breathe half the time and I just felt an unexplainable sickness. I didn't go to school and I would just spend the whole day crying because I thought I was going to die. I researched drugs and paniced over thinking about whether or not the weed was laced. I finally came across PCP and it had explained a lot of the things I was feeling. So I got really upset over that and cried a lot because I thought I would never stop feeling that way. Well it went away for a week and then this kid started a lot of drama with my sister and it really upset me so I freaked out on him and I started feeling like I had the previous week once again. I felt like I was having a hangover and I couldn't make it stop, I drank water constantly and rested a lot hoping it would go away. I was pretty much a prisoner in my own bed. Well, that feeling never went away and every day I feel a little bit more sick. I've been dealing with this shit for too long and I just can't make it go away. I still think obsessively over it and think that I'm going to feel this way forever and I get upset and cry and I wish to die and all that normal teenage angst stuff. I recently dropped out of high school because I missed too many days this year and they were going to file court papers against me... and my parents didn't want to go to court and I didn't really feel like going to juvi. So last week they signed me out. They're signing me back in in july I mean, but still I just have felt really down on myself since then. I can't believe I let this hypchondria and anxiousness take over me to the point where my whole life has been put on hold for it. I hate it. Right now I feel like I'm dying actually. My whole body feels really light and weird and I feel like a lump is in my throat. Every day I feel like I'm dying and I constantly have a bottle of water with me because it feels like I'm going to pass out. bright lights kill my eyes. I get dizzy. I start seeing colours. If I see a bright colour and look at it real fast the colour will drag on with me and I will see spots of it every where. I get the chills and I get the hots a lot..more then anyone should. I hate feeling this way. I'm so tired of it ..I'm so tired of thinking I'm going to die all of the time and I hate it because it's made me feel imprisoned in my own body and I've become a nutcase. I never go out because I'm scared of getting sick and passing out. I pretty much have become so reclusive it's disgusting. I don't know what to do any more. I try to get my parents to take me to a psychiatrist and I always think they'll make it go away but I know I have to, but I can't. I've tried so hard and I feel like medicine will be the only thing to save me. I don't want to feel this way forever.
I'm sorry for this long, immature ramble.. I just I don't know.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking here.. but well, Hey.
I don't know if this is the right place..but I just wanted to share and see the advice I can get from all of you.
if this isn't allowed, let me know..i'll delete it.